Tagged with Polyamory …

Mar 04 2013
9 Comments
LGBT, Monogamy, Polyamory, Relationships

How Monogamy Soothes Our Existential Angst

Sex

Sex (Photo credit: James Hopkirk)

We are an infidelity obsessed culture. Our media is saturated with it, politicians’ careers ruined by it, and self-help authors and talk show hosts play on our fears of it. Earlier last month I attended a talk here in NYC by therapist Esther Perel on Infidelity: From Trauma to Transformation. Perel, the author of the excellent book about keeping relationships passionate, Mating in Captivity, presented a model on addressing infidelity in (straight) monogamous relationships. (Here’s her TED Talk this past Valentine’s Day) Certainly there is a lot to be curious about as to why people have affairs, what function an affair serves both for the individual having the affair and for the relationship itself.

I can’t help but wonder whether rather than “treating” infidelity and demonizing the infidel if we instead need to focus on addressing the underlying foundation of monogamy. Interestingly, contrary to popular belief, infidelity is not necessarily a product of a bad or problematic relationship. Many affairs happen in relationships where the degree of satisfaction is fairly high and become unhappy only after the disclosure, where the lying and deceit that typically accompany it tend to cause more damage than the sexual infraction itself. Although we will never have completely accurate statistics, it is estimated than anywhere between 30-50% of marriages have at least one episode of extra-marital sex. So either we have a lot of bad and immoral people who need help or we need to more closely examine the construct of monogamy and increase our understanding of the human experience.

Monogamy is a valid choice for some people but straight couples I’ve seen don’t typically question or examine whether monogamy is the right choice for them or not. They just assume it. Why do we still gravitate toward monogamy and what are the inherent difficulties we encounter by doing so?. For some people monogamy is like trying to put a round peg in a square hole. It just doesn’t fit. So if you’re going to choose monogamy,  it warrants examining what that choice actually means and where it comes from.

THE HISTORY OF MONOGAMY IN LESS THAN 1000 WORDS

When most people get into new relationships they tend to default into monogamy. Rarely are there discussions about “why monogamy?” or what purpose will monogamy serve and is this the right choice for us. In Western cultures, we have come to think of monogamy as natural or the norm, when in fact that historically has not been the case. What is “natural” is often only a product of the time. In Kyle Harper’s Ted Talk on The History of Monogamy, he notes that somewhere between 73-93% of the world’s societies have been polygamous, and of those societies that are monogamous, they have only become so in the last 200 years. He describes why societies that descend from the Romans tend to be monogamous and how the move from hunter/gatherer societies to the agricultural revolution in about 8000B.C. also spurred this shift. In short, as people relied on their land to sustain themselves, men in particular had to be cautious about the number of people they could feed based on the land that they owned. It served them to limit the number of wives and children they had to support.

WHEN PEOPLE DIDN’T KNOW THAT SEX MADE BABIES

In the book Sex at Dawn, authors Ryan and Jetha note that it was only as the agricultural revolution took so did the notion of property. Whereas previously in hunter gatherer societies there had been no real incentive to move away from a model of sharing, men could now own the land , own food, own shelter and “own” sexuality (i.e. women’s sexuality became men’s property). It was only then that people began to realize that the act of sex lead to pregnancy and men became invested in leaving their land to their own biological off-spring. In order to do so, a man had to know which children were his. The biological evidence about the whether there is an evolutionary imperative to be monogamous is controversial, but as soon as there is a societal norm that supports accumulation of wealth and property (by men alone), then men become invested in keeping women monogamous.

WHAT TO LEARN FROM LGBTQ FOLK

When it comes to examining whether monogamy is the right choice for a couple, it would serve people to take a note from the LGBTQ community. One of the best things about being queer in the last few decades is that queers have had unique freedom. Living on the margins means we are less constricted by conventional narratives. LGBTQ people have been free to define our own relationships, who we want to love, who we want to have sex with and how. The gay men’s bathhouse movement, especially prior to AIDS, is the most obvious example of men who proclaimed their sexuality in opposition to the dominant heterosexual monogamous norm.

The heteronormative narrative of boy meets girl, they fall in love, gets married, have kids and stay together forever is in fact the overwhelming dominant script to which Americans are exposed. Americans, seemingly more so than their European counterparts, fall for it hook, line and sinker. There is pressure for straight people to appear “normal” and to play their part. Out LGBTQ people have already gone through the process of accepting their sexuality and reflecting on its complexity. Through a coming out process and forging relationships with same-sex partners or multiple partners, they have already come to terms with a sexuality that is perhaps different from the way we are told it is supposed to be. When people live on the margins of heteronormativity, there is a tremendous paradox in that although they experience personal and institutional oppression, they are also freer to write their own stories and question the monogamous dyad as the ideal. Many couples I see default into monogamy because that’s what we are taught is normal and natural without examining the choice they are making.

EXISTENTIALISM AND MONOGAMY

Existential psychotherapists write about the four givens that are part of the universal human experience: 1) The knowledge that we inevitably die and we die alone; 2) The need to create meaning in a world which there is no obvious meaning; 3) The desire for freedom vs. the desire for structure and security; and 4) the desire for connection when we are isolated within ourselves. Perhaps monogamy is a means of managing the anxiety that accompanies some of these realities.

1.Death

“Til death do us part” is an integral part of  the construction of the western marital narrative, perhaps as a means of assuaging the anxiety that arises when we think of our own death. Do we comfort ourselves with the illusion that we ultimately will not be alone? There is relief in imagining that our loved one can accompany us out of this world and into the next when actually there is only so far a loved one can walk with us. We must all face the inevitability that we will make that journey alone.

2. Meaning

Marriage helps create meaning, but not because marriage is necessarily a “natural phenomena” but because society imbues the institution with meaning and status. Marriage gives us a road already travelled that is socially sanctioned that helps organize and give shape to our life. It is part of the human experience to question “What am I doing here? What is my purpose? How can I have meaning in my life?” We must do something with our time here and for many people the notion of marriage and family, which are highly valued in our culture, may relieve people from some of the struggle about what to do with the time they have here. Pretend you live in a world where for some reason monogamy and child-rearing are not options. How would you create your life? What kinds of emotional and sexual relationships would you choose to have? How would you grapple with the great fact that ultimately no one knows why we are here or what we are supposed to do with this life time?

3. Security.

Security, or the illusion of security, is one of the primary function that marriage serves. Marriage makes us feel like we are ok. In entering into a marriage, people hope for the dream: that they will be loved, taken care of, and that they will not be injured or hurt by betrayals. I have worked with so many unmarried couples who talk about the security that they hope marriage will give them. The notion of life-long commitment assuage their fears of abandonment, of being alone. They often look at me in shock when I offer that marriage alone will not solve your fears of being left, your need to be unconditionally loved or your sense of not being an adequate person/partner.

Certainly good monogamy can bring a great sense of security and there is tremendous gratification and contentment in a deepening long-term intimacy. However, when we choose monogamy we need to be aware of what we give up. Security and freedom and autonomy are on opposite poles of the same continuum. When we choose the security of a monogamous relationship we relinquish the excitement and adventure that come with seeking out new relationships and sexual experiences. We are a culture that tends to value security, perhaps partially because since the industrial revolution we tend to be disconnected from extended families and larger communities. Increasingly we have internalized the idea that our partner is supposed to be all things to us (best friend, lover, worker, confidant, activity companion, child caregiver, intellectual sparring partner, etc.) So we have tremendous anxiety about losing that one person or knowing what do we do with the needs that our partner can’t meet (because no one can meet every need another person has).

The need for freedom and why some women cheat

When coupling with someone, it is worth understanding that yes, of course security is important and comforting, but to know that with that choice we are giving up or suppressing a fundamental human need. We are giving up freedom, taking risks, autonomy, the thrill of being seen and known by someone new. In Ester Perel’s talk, she named several variables that increase the likelihood that a heterosexual woman will cheat. I thought this was fascinating.1) Across the world, once women have access to a car, the rates of infidelity start to climb, which I interpret as once women have access to freedom, they start to take it. 2) A woman is most likely to have an affair when her youngest child is three years old. Again, once women are less trapped by the demands of child care, they seek something else. I joked with Ester that it was probably the first time they felt able to take a shower and be presentable enough for sex. And of course, it has been well documented that women’s rates of infidelity positively correlate with financial independence. As dependency lessens, women are more likely to pursue their desire for autonomy and freedom. Couples have to discuss how they will balance these competing human needs. Certainly there are other ways to address the need for freedom, autonomy, and desire than to have an affair or be non-monogamous, but those needs are there and you can guarantee they will find their ways to the surface.

4. The desire for connection

As marriage becomes a more egalitarian affair in the United States, it has become a place for people to place their hopes about being fully known by another person. Partners speak of being married to their best friend and in couples therapy, there is an emphasis on knowing and understanding one another. Embedded in our current culture is an emphasis on honesty, disclosure and transparency, as if we can fully ever know another person. Couples therapy focuses on hearing and understanding the other person’s experience. As human beings, we long for a sense of connection and being fully known by others but yet we are limited. We can never completely know what it’s like to be another, what they feel, what they think. The communication of self is limited by our language and by our physical bodies. We cannot transcend another person and facing that reality may leave us with an intense sense of loneliness.

COMPULSORY MONOGAMY

In 1980 Adrienne Rich wrote that women were subject to the lie of compulsory heterosexuality. Today I wonder if people, and women in particular, are subject to compulsory monogamy. Certainly, monogamy is a valid and good choice for many people. Here I am only suggesting that we make conscious choice about how we live and how we construct our emotional and sexual relationships. Just as the polyamorous person gets the question, “so why did you choose polyamory?,” it will serve people who want monogamous relationships to be curious about their choices, to know the historical roots of monogamy, and to face both the benefits and pitfalls of monogamy with open eyes.

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Jun 06 2012
22 Comments
Polyamory

How to Have Your Cake and Eat it Too: 5 Things That Make Polyamorous Relationships Work

Is it really so bad to have your cake and eat it too? I never understood this expression. What is the point of having your cake if you can’t enjoy it? The expression speaks to our culture of austerity and provincialism, where character building and morality is associated with refraining and abstention. On one hand we are a culture of tremendous gluttony and indulgence but with a puritanical underpinning that tells us “you can look but don’t touch.” No wonder so many people and confused about what they want.

Although there are no official statistics about the number of people entering into alternative relationships, anecdotally it appears as though there is increasing interest and cultural awareness of polyamorous relationships (see TLC’s Sister Wives or HBO’s Big Love). Polyamorous which means “many loves,” can take a number of different forms but typically includes a person having more than one significant emotional and/or sexual connection. The theory behind polyamory is that we are capable of loving connections with more than one person at a time and that we cannot expect one partner to meet all of our need either emotionally or sexually. We have an infinite capacity for love and a connection with one person does not necessarily diminish that with another. Some polyamorous people have primary partners as well as other people with whom they date or have sex with. Other folks opt for non-hierarchial arrangements where relationships are not placed in order of importance.

Increasingly in my clinical practice I see more people opting out of the traditional structure of monogamous partnership or marriage. Although gay men have been said to own the market on open relationships, I am seeing people all across the gender and sexual orientation spectrum that are choosing polyamory or open marriage/partnership as viable alternatives. They identify as variably as cis-gendered men and women, trans, gender queer, straight, gay, bisexual, queer and heteroflexible and range in age. And some young queer people in New York City even cite a pressure within the community currently to be non-monogamous.

So when an individual or couple comes into my office and describes their relationships and what they want for themselves, my job is to help them figure out, “How can we make this work?” As I’ve moved through exploration of relationship possibilities, and challenges people encounter in creating the lives they want, I have been thinking about why one person (or a couple, triad, and so on..) can make poly relationships work and why others can’t.

When I tell people about my work, they are usually fascinated by the possibility of living differently. Often their eyes light up at the potential of not having to repress their needs or desires for something different sexually or emotionally. They typically say, “Is that possible? Can it really work? Don’t people get jealous and insecure?” and inevitably, “How do I go about getting my wife/husband/ boyfriend/girlfriend/ partner/date/sweetheart to get on board with this idea?”

Let me just say this upfront: non-monogamy takes a lot of emotional work. When you sign up to be in a relationship with more than one person or are in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with other people as well, I can guarantee it’s going to take up a lot of time and energy. And like monogamous relationships, poly relationships can range from tremendously gratifying to devastating.

So in a very over simplified form of what I’ve learned, here are

5 THINGS THAT MAKE POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS WORK:

1. All people involved have to really want it. Entering into a polyamorous relationship is no light undertaking. All partners have to be invested in the process and the experience. With regards to primary relationships, when both people are committed to the idea that the maintenance and care of multiple relationships is desirable, the primary relationship has a much better chance of thriving. When one person agrees because of reasons like a) she worries her significant other will leave her if she doesn’t , b) she is trying to make the other person happy or c) she thinks the partner will eventually change and become monogamous, it typically results in resentment and hurt. Now that said, some couples go through a trial period, where they are essentially “trying on” polyamory with an agreement that they will decide if it’s the right construct for their relationship. Conversely, sometimes partners may enter into a poly relationship willingly only to discover that one of them would prefer to be monogamous. Being in a poly relationship requires ongoing conversation and acknowledgement that feelings are fluid and changeable.

2. Accept that difficult feelings will come up. Individuals succeed in poly relationships when they accept that dealing with feelings like jealousy, insecurity, fear, hurt and anger may be part of the process. How the person or couple deals with these feelings is more significant than their presence alone. When jealousy or hurt feelings come up, it may be helpful just to feel them and know that they will pass. It may also be helpful to ask for reassurance from your partner and to make sure that the relationship between the two of you is being nurtured and tended to adequately. New relationships can be very exciting so it’s a time to be particularly cognizant that the older relationship still needs special attention and looking after.

3. Communicate beyond your wildest imagination. I could write a whole book on this point alone. If you’re a poor communicator, I urge you now to retreat to monogamy. It will still be difficult, but not as difficult as being poly. If you don’t like to process A LOT, don’t go down this road. When you are navigating multiple relationships well, you are talking all the time. You have to negotiate everything. The bible of how-to-do poly relationships, The Ethical Slut, as well as Tristin Taormino’s new book Opening Up, have great questions couples can use as conversation starters to envision and negotiate the kind of relationship they want to have. For example, Sally may say to her girlfriend Rebecca, “Well I want you to be my primary partner but I want to have sex with men as well.” It sounds relatively simple at face-value (or maybe not) but what does that mean really? For example: What does it mean to each of them to be “primary?” What value do they place on emotional fidelity and commitment to the relationship in the long-term? What kind of sex can they have with other people? Maybe oral sex is fine but penetrative sex isn’t. Where and when will it take place? At sex parties, only out-of-town, in their apartment? How will they navigate safer sex? Does Sally want to sleep with strangers, people with whom she has minimal attachment, friends, ex-partners, etc. Each detail requires a negotiation and agreement by both partners. When couples adopt a “let’s wait and see how it goes” approach, it usually goes badly. I tell clients, “you really have to spell out everything. The tiniest little thing that you think your partner should know, he doesn’t. You have to tell him.” (This is often true in monogamous couples as well. We think we know what our partner is thinking, feeling, needing or that he should know what we think, feel, need just by virtue of having been together, but attempting to mind-read leads being misunderstood and misread).

You also have to be willing to share feelings, hear those of your partner and be honest to the point of willingness to say things that may be difficult for your partner to hear. The difference between open relationships and cheating is that you take betrayal off the table. All your partners know what you are up to and there is no lying or deceit. Most couples who wind up in therapy because of infidelity due not so much because their significant other had sex with someone else, but because of the betrayal and lying that usually come with it. So it may be difficult to say to your spouse, “I met someone new I’d like to go on a date with” or ask him, “how would you feel about my having sex with Sarah?” but for the relationship to sustain, honest communication has to be a priority.

4. Come from a family that made you feel loved and secure.  In my experience, I’ve seen that poly relationships tend to be more difficult for people who have deep fears of abandonment. In Daniel Siegel’s book, Parenting from the Inside Out, he gives a good description of different ways in which we attach to our parents depending on how attuned they were to us (think of attunement as being “tuned in” to a baby or child’s needs). When a children grows up feeling safe, secure, loved and valued, typically they internalize a sense of safety, calm and self-worth. This fundamentally critical experience can help a person navigate poly relationships: a partner’s connection with someone may not elicit old fears about being left or discarded.

In households where abuse, violence, neglect, alcoholism, the loss of a parent through divorce or death or other kinds of disorders (like a parent’s major depression) children are less likely to receive the parental attunement they so badly need to internalize the same sense of safety or self-worth. As children, we literally need our parent’s physical and emotional presence for survival. When we don’t get it, our “fight/flight” response gets activated because literally our survival is being threatened. I’ve observed in a number of clients that when an adult partner is investing time and energy in a new relationship, it may ignite old trauma and fears of being left. That trauma can feel completely overwhelming and engulfing, requiring a person to address the early trauma and come to discern that her feelings are rooted in these early experiences. Certainly coming from a background with abuse or trauma does not make being in a poly relationship impossible, it just may be a bit more challenging to cope with intense feelings of panic and fear of abandonment if they arise.

5. Get support from people who can affirm your relationship choices. Coming out as polyamorous is quite similar to coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual. There are people who will understand and support your relationship(s) and people who won’t. Poly people often deal with judgements, being called immoral, fearing discrimination by employers or family and friends. Consequently, they may strategically choose to remain closeted in some aspects of their life.

Just like coming out as gay, lesbian or bisexual, poly people need to seek out others both in and out of the poly community who support and understand their choices. Dan Savage wrote an excellent article last November in New York Times Magazine about the need for more honest discussion around infidelity and monogamy in marriages. He makes such a good point when he discusses how monogamy is only one aspect of marital satisfaction, but yet it’s the one that we often judge others by. He suggests we reframe fidelity to understand that it is so much more than sexual exclusivity. Marital satisfaction can be about a sense of bonding to another person, joy, honesty, a long-term commitment to be there for that person and one’s children. It can be a commitment to care for one another and experience life together. Each couple needs to define fidelity for themselves (assuming that’s something they value in the first place). I have seen plenty of monogamous couples who lacked fidelity, where one or both of the partners always had a foot out the door. And I have seen primary partners who are polyamorous that are tremendously committed to a life together and share of sense of knowledge that whatever happens – whatever circumstances arise – whatever feelings come up – they will walk through it together.

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